Smoke and Mirrors Continue to Yield Surprising Results

Somehow, someway, Jesse Litsch is 6-1. He pinkly and efficiently did his best Roy Halladay impression today, entering the ninth inning having only thrown 81 pitches. Apparently, he broke Jimmy Key's team record for innings without a walk. I think I just broke my own personal record for incredulity. That and words posted without a dick joke.

I'm not afraid to admit that I was wrong about Jesse Litsch. It would also seem that everyone's favorite whipping boy Lenny and Holly Gibbons was right. 23 years old without any real time at AAA, he seems to be figuring this out. His splits and peripherals from this year look similar to Shaun Marcum's last year. Few walks, prone to the long ball but very solid for the back of the rotation. I sense that facing the Royals is good for what ails you, and is a great way to earn your first career shutout. Their offense is even more inept than the Blue Jays, giving the Jays bullpen the weekend off and generally behaving in a KC Royals-ish fashion.

The Jays offense put up 13 runs in the last two games, but my glee is tempered by the manner they've scored them. Friday night seemed like slap-singles that came in bunches, with only one extra base hit all night. Today, they were buoyed by 8 walks and Brad Wilkerson striking a blow for a free Acholiland with a grand slam in the first. Lyle Overbay picked up three walks and an RBI, while issuing a stern fuck you to any remaining doubters. Scott Rolen defiantly stared at the sun, waiting for a demonstration of who and what runs the show on this or any planet. It blinked and bowed.

I don't want to dismiss this offensive "outburst", but I'll wait until they put up some runs against a real team. This streaky bunch will drive us all mad this year, waiting for the hits to come in bunches, leaning heavily on the out of this world pitching staff. The dreaded West Coast road trip looms after this weekend jaunt to Windsor Castle. The Yankees should have reeled off about 12 straight wins by the time the Jays roll into the world's most famous garbage dump.

Jays Glad to Have Wilkerson, Uganda Glad to Have Civil War

In an article posted on the official website, John Gibbons expressed his delight with Brad Wilkerson's contribution to the team. The Jays head man was quoted as saying "I like everything about him" and that they team had "been winning with him here." Reporter David Singh withheld Gibbons complete statement, omitting the words "in spite of" and "his overcooked fusilli bat makes Rios look like Stan Musial" from the surprisingly breezy chat the two had over tea. Gibbons noted that his teams offensive failure has completely obscured his continued mismanagement of the bullpen from the public eye. "When most fans look up and see that Brad isn't even hitting weight, they boo him. They don't even consider the guy that puts him in the position to get the most plate appearances on the team." When reminded that Wilkerson is, in fact, not even SLUGGING his weight, Gibbons spit his cup of West Texas Cough Medicine all over his desk. Laughing out loud, Gibbons clucked his tongue and noted that Wilkerson picked up some winter weight after his reintroduction to the Canadian climate, making slugging his weight a much greater accomplishment.

Ugandan political officials noted Gibbons tactics seemed sound. They admitted that the ongoing civil war and instability in the southern regions often distracted the international community from continued civil rights atrocities and famine that have racked the country for years. John Gibbons offered no comment on the Ugandan situation, saying he didn't really know anything about it and thought it best to reserve comment. He grew increasingly uncomfortable with the line of questioning, saying that comparing a war-torn country to a baseball team is offensive bordering on disgusting.

Permission not to care granted

Letter to the editor of Harper's Magazine, printed in the current June issue.

The Unnatural
As a lifelong baseball addict, I admired Lewis H. Lapham's satirical morality play ["Mudville," Notebook, March], wherein he used the steroids mess as a broadaxe with which to hack away at American mores [lol, natch! What else would that old boy do? -ed.]; in particular, I was pleased to see Lapham take on the arbitrariness of cultural distinctions between natural and not. What makes Lapham's argument about the hypocrisies of the crusade against steroids even more persuasive than he may realize is that a number of the reductio ad absurdum scenarios he presents are no longer merely hypothetical. Consider that the medical science supporting player performance and longevity has evolved to the point where distinctions between treatment and enhancement, maintenance and modification, blur to meaninglessness.

Right now, in the same sports sections where writers damn steroids and hail the sanctity of baseball's records, one will also find upbeat features on pitchers who have extended their careers via ulnar collateral ligament reconstruction, more familiar to fans as "Tommy John surgery," whereby a player's body parts are rearranged and sewn back together in what might be described as an entirely "artificial" manner. After the operation, the player spends a year rehabilitating and then presto! - an extra decade of useful elbow life. It bears noting that the man behind the eponym, Tommy John, recorded 164 of his 288 career wins after his revolutionary 1974 procedure. John isn't the only pitcher to throw better post-operatively. During one spring training game following his surgery, reliever Billy Koch, whose "original equipment" arm topped out in the upper 90s, clocked in at an astonishing 108 mph. Koch subsequently joked of the surgery, "I recommend it to everybody ... regardless what your ligament looks like."

Among the dozens of current major leaguers whose careers might have ended years ago but for this single procedure is the man who may well go down as the greatest closer in baseball history: Mariano Rivera. In fact, "Mo" probably would never have even had a career without the surgery, which he underwent three years before he joined the Yankees and began breaking opposing players' bats with his hellacious "cut fastball."

Similarly, Lasik and other vision enhancements afford almost any contemporary athlete the visual acuity that helped make Ted Williams a nonpareil hitter and judge of the strike zone. This is not a case of athletes with subpar vision trying to achieve normal vision; it's a case of athletes with normal vision trying to achieve exceptional vision. Even in sports where vision isn't as crucial as it is in baseball, players swear by laser eye surgery. Retired NFL running back Tiki Barber once credited Lasik with contributing to his best season ever.

Now let's add molecular-level improvements in Sports nutrition, workout technology, and miscellaneous gear, and we'll find that today's ballplayers, with their guards, braces, and other aids affixed to various limbs, don't just look like cyborgs as they stride to the plate but have actually become them.
Steve Salerno
Macungie, Pa.

D-Train to pitch out of the pen

The Tigers activated Dontrelle Willis today and Jim Leyland indicated he wouldn't be headed right back to the starting rotation but rather the bullpen. His replacement Armando Galarraga, hasn't exactly been sucking.

I predict Dontrelle will continue getting lit up in the bullpen, just as he would have had he not been placed on the DL and stayed in the rotation. All adding up to him ending up in the bullpen anyway.

Chone Figgins activated

I am 100% sure the Angels did this just to give me the opportunity to shout "You suck Figgins!!"

Guerrero just hit his second dinger of the game. Will the real Shaun Marcum please stand up.

"You suck Figgins!!"

Toronto Blue Jays Announce Signing Of Cristiano Ronaldo

Noted scumbag and prancing weenie Cristiano Ronaldo has been signed by the Toronto Blue Jays to piss me off and generally be a pain in the ass. General Manager JP Riccardi noted that "even the best players have a hard time scoring! Look at him, he was only standing 12 yards from a giant net and still he couldn't get one across." JP remained confident that the flamboyant nancyboy will smoothly transition from choking during penalty kicks to watching third strikes with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth.

John Gibbons was unavailable for comment, storming out of his office after the GM told him the news. Several reporters overheard him shouting "how many homos can one team have" to the GM before saying he preferred players who used "more eyeblack than hair gel."

The Jays have shutdown discussions with potential all star shortstop John Terry, as he has been placed on the disabled list with a broken heart. He's expect to be out for the next 40 to 50 years.

Can't cash'em in

I'm quite sure I couldn't have been screaming my face off anymore than I was during the 8th and 9th innings tonight down at Rogers centre while the Jays did battle with the Angels. I was quite convinced that with the bases loaded, and none out in the 8th at the very least a couple of runs would cross the plate to make things interesting. Didn't happen. However, I was quite jubilant when again, the Jays loaded the bases with only one out in the bottom of the ninth courtesy of a wild K-rod. Aaron Hill was at the dish, and I was 99.97% sure that good things were going to happen. Didn't happen.

What happened? They shit all over themselves. It actually couldn't have been much worse really. For the love of god Alex, you just can't strike out looking in the bottom of the ninth with the tying run on second, and the winning run on first. Swing the fucking bat. Jump in front of the fucking ball or something, I don't care. Don't sit there like a chump though. You're better than that.

Again, the pitching was solid. Didn't look like McGowan had his best stuff, however he made the most of what he did have, and gave the Jays the chance to win the game. All told the Jays left 23 runners on base while scoring just one run on 9 hits. What can you do. One thing that Toronto fans are getting to realize on the off chance they weren't already aware is that Scott Rolen is a fucking beast at third base. It really is a pleasure to watch him swallow up everything hit in his vicinity. Gold fucking gloves son.

Junior Hockey Is Child Pornography

I heard a whisper blowing through the Hale Force Winds today, that exactly zero Blue Jays games will grace the domestic airways this week. The Memorial Cup has taken over Sportsnet, going so far as forcing former clubbie and shaving cream bukkake enthusiast Sam Consentino to break down the talents of 18 year old future alcoholics.

Junior hockey in Canada makes college football look like a Sunday church league. There isn't even the illusion of education, just straight up exploitation. The London Knights area seats 10 000 people. The players make in the neighhbourhood of $400 a week. Unless you are 13 years old, there is no good reason to watch, follow, or support junior hockey. There is certainly no reason to watch it on TV.

So our Jays are marginalized once again. And who's to blame? Gary Bettman, of course! Were the 2004 season not canceled, Sportsnet wouldn't have promoted the Memorial Cup so heavily. Our hockey-mad compatriots turned up in record numbers, and a cash cow grew to national network level. Apparently MLB.TV is a washout as well, so game channel or Jerry and Alan will see you through the night.

Note: Apologies to Neate and everyone at Out of Left Field, who do an excellent job covering the CHL. By no means are they peddlers of child pornography or smut of any kind. Aside from CIS sports. That just leaves me feeling dirty.

Re-Opening Day! Boners Re-Abound!

With an even record and a quarter of the season complete, the Jays essentially have a blank slate. They are four back in the division, three in the wildcard. Things could be much, much worse. They've started to get some bounces (their Pythag has come around to a plus 1). They've even been winning one-run games.

The streaky guys have already had slumps, the doubles guy seems to be pulling the ball and doing the doubles thing again. The highly paid guy is hurt, but the highly paid closer guy is nine for nine in save attempts. The highly paid rotation guys have BOTH made relief appearances, while some of the best work out of the bullpen has come courtesy of the unheralded guys.

Things are looking good, in other words. The summer will eventually start, and anything could happen. Some AL East rivals are already coming back to earth, while the team with the payroll greater than the GDP of Portugal will inevitably get hot. The grim certainly of a long Yankee winning streak makes my chest ache, so I'll have to delight in their current struggles. It would be just fine by me if they took it upon themselves to continue sucking dearly. It looks good on them, and great on me.

In honor of the summer and things that are generally awesome, I slapped together a video using some idiot-proof program. It took skill, effort and precision. Or about 5 minutes of dragging and dropping. Reminded me of the last time I quickly disposed of a body....anyway, it features images of some of the greatest things on Earth that I happen to have jpegs for. The music is Trapped Under Ice. Check them out in Toronto on June 1st.

...and some days, it rains

Oh Bull Durham. No matter what, that movie never gets old.

The unstoppable Shaun Marcum took the mound today to show the Phillies why the whole of Toronto has a massive size man crush on the man. The rain came and delayed the game however, effectively ending Marcum's day after just an inning of work. He threw only 22 pitches and allowed a two run homer to Ryan Howard.

The game resumed when Shawn Camp took the hill in Marcum's place and threw three solid innings, allowing only one run. Lyle Overbay pinch hit in the fifth and went yard with a three run jack that at the time tied the game. Shannon Stewart has since doubled in a couple and the Jays go to bat in the seventh leading 6-4. A win today would bring the club back to the .500 mark as they continue to try and claw up the standings in the East.

Long rain delays can always mess up a team's lineup and force them to use more pitching then they'd like to. Case in point today, where Roy Halladay came out of the bullpen to finish off the sixth inning. Shit, I can't remember the last I saw Halladay come out of the pen to work. I'm sure it hasn't been as long as I think, nonetheless it's strange to see. I'd take the time to actually look it up, but someone else will before the day is done which means I don't have to.

Update - Hallaway came out and threw a scoreless 7th, what a great bullpen.

What has actually happened...

Rod Barajas has hit a grand slam.

Ryan Howard is hitting a buck eighty eight.

Alex Rios continues to struggle mightily.

Chase Utley could be the next MVP from the Phillies infield.

My computer is now virus-free and less basically all previously stored files.

Fuck yeah, more to come.

Ghostrunner Curse - The Evolution

It seems as though the "Ghostrunner Curse" has given way to something more heinous. The "Ghostruuner on First Guys Are Full of Shit, Anything They Say Will Result in the Opposite of the Desired Outcome, With Only the Gravest of Consequences" curse is less a curse and more of a burden. As any basement-dwelling ne'erdowell knows, you make enough predictions, some are bound to be right. Of course, many are bound to be oh so terribly wrong.

In our brief history, we've seen strange things happen after insulting or praising players or teams. Kevin Millar breaks out of slump, hits game-winning home run. Scott Rolen is hailed as the saviour, only to have our throbbing manboner break his finger. High-end profile writer Ben McGrath is praised for outstanding work in the field of Baseball Eccentrics, he leaves the New Yorker to write for TMZ.com. Note: This is entirely untrue. The most shocking of all came just yesterday. Jayson fucking Werth shattered my belief system to the core.

I tried to appease the angry gods of fate. I even gave him credit! I said he's put together a decent season! My grave error was referring to him as a shitstick. Oh, the karmic power of the shitstick is not to be trifled with. 3 home runs and club-record 8 RBI later, I'm afraid to leave the house. Who knows what awful damage my next utterance may bring? I've already ruined my favorite player's career, how much more blood can I possibly get on my hands??

I'm not sure what to do. Is the universe angry with me? Is it because I haven't seen Iron Man? Are the heavens displeased with my choice of putting down Atlas Shrugged in favour of The Dark Knight Returns? I'm sorry, I swear. I'll stop using the future tense, the present tense AND the passive voice. Oh shit, wait.

The Jays continue their series with the Phils tonight. Fucked if I know what will happen. AJ Burnett may or may not pitch, the Jays will either win or lose. The game will be decided by whichever team manages to score the most runs. At this point, all I hope for is an orderly game that will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath.